Epic Nights ..

So yesterday , I was about to meet my posse on broadway ... like literally . 

So I had to wait for Aisha right , she had to drop her shit off at my house ,

it takes her like an hour , apparently there were like four handicapped people on her bus ( damn handicapped people ... haha ) but she finally gets here , so we go take the bus to broadway ( at this point it's pouring down rain like craaazy right , it was sunny but right when we needa leave it's raining .. ) , so we meet our posse and go get sushi , which ends up being a bill of $73 , not even joking . So I mean we get some money together and pay , then sing fuckin , Put It In My Mouth ( I Said My Motherfuckin Mouth ) , hella loud by this restaurant hahaha , uhhh so then Danae and Lauren gotta bounce so me , Julia and Aisha head to American Apparel and I kinda don't have enough money cuz I put $40 down on sushi , so Julia has to loan me some , then the dudes are callin ( Isaiah , Kooler and Adrian ) and want us to walk in the fuckin rain to Laced Up , we were like NO haha . So we go to the video store and they meet us in there , we get a couple movies and when we walk outside it's fuckin snowing . Again . It's helllllla cold , and wet , and we get to the bus stop and realize we missed the last one by like three or four minutes . Buuuullshit . We gotta wait like half an hour for the bus so we're standin by the 43 stop and it's hella cold , and we're just chillen and listening to music and shit , and then we see these two people stick their head out their apartment window you know , just kickin it haha across the street , on like the fourth floor or somethin . So we're like HEYYY ahaha and they wave and shit .... and then we're just waitin for this damn bus and the people go away but then the dude comes back to the window and he's tryna tell us somethin but we can't hear him .  So then the lady comes back and she's like tellin us to go over there or whatever , and we're like okay what the fuck are they doin .... and we send Aisha over across the street hahaha , and the lady lowers this thing down , and Aisha runs back across the street and in her hands is like six fuckin condoms , tied with this hella long purple string hahahahaha . Clownin right ! So we each get one hahah , those people are like YEAHH and it's just hella funny ... then the bus came and we were like BYE ... and they're all " WHAT ARE YOU DOING ? " or somethin right and Isaiah's like " YEAH WE'RE BOUT TO GO PARTY HOPPIN ALL NIGHT YOU KNOW .. THANKS " 

yeahhh iono it was a good night though ... hella funny shit .... NO HOMO ..... game killin ....... etc . ahahhahah ..

Three Years Later .

I was thirteen ,

Going on fourteen .

May tenth .

The doctors stuck

this IV needle into

my left hand and

pumped my veins with

life saving substances .

They knocked me out

stuck a needle in my back

and I woke up with this scar .

Three years later

pills still

sticking in my throat

still

exploding upon impact with

stomach acid .

Three years later I 

still don't know why ,

why .

why me , why this , why then ,

what now what do I do .

Three years later 

I 

still can't tell you where

these three years have gone .

Between pills and 

needles

and

not recognizing my 

reflection who

I saw in the mirror I 

changed 

from the outside in 

or maybe it was 

the other way around

inside out

like a sweater once worn that

you forget to put 

in the laundry and

it gets lost somewhere 

among those other threads and fabrics

woven together overlapping 

thrown on the floor and

maybe kicked into the closet or

under the bed or something

long forgotten .

In my self evolution my

self realization and

self evaluation self reflection I

finally realize it's not about me .

I got sick but so what .

Ten days in the hospital ...

but I have insurance and

suddenly I have these pills and

these needles that

keep me alive .

And so although they may get

stuck in my throat sometimes that's nothing

compared with the

genocide and

global warming the

corrupt government and the

starving children ...

Three years later they may

get stuck in my throat but

at least I can wash it down with 

a sip of water , or something .

So I say baby it's fair ,

cuz even though life is unfair I've 

fared 

well

that's for sure .

Cuz in my American upper-class 

I think I can handle

sticking pills in my throat and 

needles sticking

skin , in 

the inside of my elbow .

I don't know what my future holds or

if you'll be around and

if you'll be there for me or

how many pills I will have to swallow tomorrow or

next week or 

three years from now .

But I do know that 

though life isn't fair 

I've

certainly fared

well .

thoughts .

so last night I was thinking ,
cuz I always do right before I go to sleep ... just think of random ass shit ....

but anyways
I was thinking how I'm almost off prednisone .
I mean , 2.5mg every other day .
that's practically nothing .
and I'm about to get off it altogether ,
but not till after China .


it's so crazy .
I thought about how
the past almost 3 years that drug
has been such a huge part of my life .
when I was hospitalized I was pumped with a gram of it daily ,
through IV .
a GRAM . that's sooo much .
when I was released I was on 80mg/day .
and all it's fucking shitty ass side effects .
I mean my looks totally changed ,
because it does unflattering shit to your appearance .
fuck .
for the first time ever , this year ,
I've been the most comfortable with myself
I've ever been . ever .
I feel like my body is my own again ,
because for a while it was so changed
from the pred .
and then I would think that soon it would go away
and I would look like my old self .
but I mean , that was almost 3 years ago .
and I look at old pictures of myself ,
and I don't even like how I look ...
which is bad . I should . I should be okay with it .
but honestly I'm so glad I don't look like that anymore .
and I wonder , if I'd been on it indefinitely ,
if I hadn't been tapering it all this time ( well .. except that flare that one time , that set me back so much , it fucking sucked )
I mean , what would I think of myself ?
now I think I have pretty healthy self esteem , honestly I do .
but fuck .
I'm a different person .
I've changed so much ,
and I can't always tell if it's the natural progression/maturity
or if it's caused by my experiences .
and it's both .
but I can't help but wonder
how I would be otherwise
I mean ,
how much of me would be the same ,
and what would be totally different .
I just don't think it would compare .
I got diagnosed right before my 14th birthday , at the end of 8th grade .
and everyone changes from middle school to high school .
but I don't know at all who I would have been .
my life would be so fucking different .
I dunno .
I mean , I can't imagine the last few years without prednisone .
and now , that shit is finally almost out of my life .
not indefinitely though ,
whenever I have flares ( which will come throughout the rest of my life ) ,
I'll have to go back on it .
this isn't the last time I'll take pred in my life , at all .
shit , though .
for the very first time since I got sick ,
which was a really defining , life changing event obviously ,
I'm not going to be on prednisone .
I can't even explain what that feels like .
it's insane .
in a couple months I'll be completely off it ,
for now .
next step is cellcept . but I'm still on a lot of that ,
1500mg a day , 6 pills .
that shit sucks too .
but I mean
I'm one step closer .
I'll never recover from this disease ,
it's going to be with me my whole life ,
it's a part of me now .
but , I can at least start to remember what normal is like again ,
maybe .
not completely .
I still get my blood drawn every two months .
I have to take osteoperosis medication once a week for my low bone density , caused from the side effects of the pills that are keeping me alive .
I mean ,
shit ,
life is crazy .
this is who I am .
and I've realized I've been talking about it more ,
more openly and casually .
it's still painful but whatever , shit happens .
I remember going from 30mg to 25 . that was so exciting ,
every time I had a doctor's appointment ,
and my rheumatologist or nephrologist would turn to me and say ,
well , I think we can cut back on your prednisone again .
and how when I had that small flare a couple winters ago ,
I was down to maybe 10 or 15mg a day ,
and I had to go back up to 30 or so ,
and taper even more slowly back down .
that was so frustrating , being so close and then having endless months ahead of those fucking pills .
wow . this is weird .
my life is really changing .
I'm almost a senior ,
I'm trying to plan for the SAT ,
internships this summer ,
college shit ,
my gap year after I graduate ,
travel plans ,
moving out in like a year .
I don't know ,
I just think
it's kind of amazing .

yeeeeah ..

Alright , so , I just hopped on this trend ,

I guess the intent is that maybe you'll learn something

from me talkin some random shit , haha ,

but uh really though ,

I guess I can use this both for myself , to just get my thoughts out there ,

or if anyone actually reads this hah ,

get feedback ,

whether it's in agreement , 

argument ( I love a good intelligent argument ) ,

or insight ...

that's what I'm about .

I wanna see some other points of views on things ,

I'll start by puttin mine out here ,

and we'll go from there .

Who knows ,

maybe we can unite the world

by respecting each others opinions more

and listening to people you don't agree with .

If you're surrounded by like-minded people ,

you won't learn anything ,

so I'm tryin to learn as much as I can ,

" expand my horizons " , as it's called ,

and shit ,

maybe YOU can benefit too ,

who knows .